Spooky Legends: Carolyn Crane’s Disillusionists on “The Body in the Bed”

**Visit Dark Faerie Tales today for her Spooky Legends Guest blog with Sarah Beth Durst and a chance to win ENCHANTED IVY**

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We get not one but three characters today as we continue the Spooky Legends event with one of my new favorite authors Carolyn Crane.  Justine, Shelby and Simon are members of the Disillusionists, an elite psychological hit squad of super-messed up vigilantes whose greatest strengths are their weaknesses. JUSTINE, the group’s hypochondriac, infuses people with fear.  SHELBY’s specialty is grimness, and SIMON is a reckless gambler. Carolyn is here to tell us all about The Disillusionists take on the “The Body in the Bed” urban legend and giveaway a copy of MIND GAMES or DOUBLE CROSS. See details below.

Carolyn Crane has long been fascinated by hidden worlds--the wiry insides of old gadgets, the strange workings of secret societies, the mysteries of people's minds and hearts.Today she lives in Minneapolis with her husband and two daring cats. She spent years as a waitress and shop clerk before graduating to ad agencies and the freelance writing life. When she's not writing novels or working her day job, she can be found reading in bed, running, helping animals, or eating Mexican food.

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The Disillusionists on “The Body in the Bed”
A public service announcement from Justine, Shelby and Simon

by
Carolyn Crane

Justine: Okay, listen to this: a man and woman go to Las Vegas for their honeymoon, but when they get to their hotel room, they notice a horrible odor. The man calls down to the desk to complain. Shelby and Simon, do you see a problem? This man has already made a huge mistake that the READERS at All Things Urban Fantasy and Dark Faerie Tales MUST guard against.

Simon: Do I see a mistake? Yeah, this man and woman are in Vegas and they’re in a hotel room. They should’ve hit the tables instead.

Justine: Even on their honeymoon?

Simon: Their honeymoon? Excuse me. In that case, they should’ve had rough dirty sex in an underground parking ramp, and then hit the tables, and then they lose all their money and get thrown out onto the street, and then they fuck in an alley, standing up. That’s how my honeymoon would go. You don’t need a hotel room for a Vegas honeymoon.

Shelby: Mistake was going on honeymoon. Honeymoon creates false illusion of happiness. Is not real life.

Justine: Focus, you guys. The man called down to the front desk without wiping down the keyboard pad or the mouthpiece of the hotel phone with heavy duty antibacterial soap. Do you have any idea how much bacteria is on the phones and remote controls of hotel rooms? Do you think maids wipe those things down? If maids routinely washed the phones and remote controls, it would mess up the electronics. I’m not going to outline to  you what people touch between touching the phone and remote. I think you should use your imagination.

Simon: Live a little, Justine!

Shelby: Story has promising beginning, I think. Please, my friend, what happens next?

Justine: Thank you. Okay, the man tells the front desk he wants a different suite, but there is a convention in town and all the rooms are taken. The manager sends them somewhere for a free lunch, and promises to clean the room.

Shelby: Snort. Free lunch will not make them happy. There is no such thing as happiness.

Justine: Actually, you have a point, Shelby. Or, if the lunch does make them happy, one of them probably will get a horrible disease. One of them probably already has one, but doesn’t know it.  One moment you’re enjoying lobster bisque, and the next moment you’re on the operating table.

Simon: So why not  live it up by having raunchy sex in dismal places and throwing your money away in the most thrilling way possible?

Justine: Real helpful, Simon. Okay, to continue the story, the suite still smells when they get back from lunch! The manager calls around to find a different room anywhere on the strip, but everything is booked. The couple wants to see the sights, so they say, okay, we’ll give you two hours.

Shelby: Your story gives me a good idea, Justine. Instead of all these beautiful casino hotels,  Rome or Bellagio, I think I would enjoy casino based on garbage dump. I would call it, REALITY CASINO HOTEL. All rooms would smell of death and decay, and view out window would be rotting garbage. And, is hard to win at tables, but if you do, thugs come to beat you.

Simon: Actually, in my experience, that happens at that casinos anyway. Thugs chase you and beat you.

Shelby: Because you give them reason.

Simon: There is that.

Justine: Pay attention! Don’t you want to know if the smell came out? Don’t answer that. I’ll tell you—the smell didn’t come out, even though the hotel staff used the strongest cleaning products known to mankind. What’s disturbing to me about this part of the story is that, I suspect that really gross smells can be dangerous to your health. Think about it—the smell molecules must contain putrefied stuff, and you’re breathing all that in!!

Shelby: The strongest cleaning products known to mankind cannot get out stench that is reality.

Simon: Can you remind me why I hang around with you two?

Justine: We’re getting to the end. So the couple has nowhere to go. The man’s totally pissed off. He pulls off the mattress and there’s a dead body of a woman underneath!! OMG! Can you imagine the amount of bacteria in that bed? And guess what? They do an autopsy, and they find out what killed the woman—the horribly virulent bacteria on the remote control! And she felt so delirious from the horrible bacteria that she tried to burrow in between the box spring and the mattress.

Simon: Did you make that last part up? About the bacteria?

Moral of the story

Justine: We need to provide a lesson, a moral of the story, a “take away.” What can the readers of Dark Faerie Tales and All Things Urban Fantasy learn from this horrible and totally true story?

Simon: The moral of the story is, there are only two reasons not to be at the gaming tables in Vegas. If you’re the guy tearing up a hotel room, or if you’re the dead body in the mattress.

Shelby: The moral is, life is like dead body in mattress. You can never escape this truth of this, even on Honeymoon. So do not try. Ever!

Justine: The moral of the story is, if you are going to stay at a hotel room, you should bring plastic bags to put over your hands for whenever you operate the phone or the remote control. Better yet, wear latex gloves the whole time you are in the room.
Readers, hopefully this helps you! Thanks so much to Abigail and Angela for having us to this event!

xxoo
Justine
Simon
Shelby

Thanks Carolyn!  You guys are welcome back anytime.

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Visit Carolyn Online:
Website|Blog |Twitter |Facebook

Want to read more from Carolyn Crane?

The Disillusionists Trilogy
1. Mind Games (Read Review)
2. Double Cross (Read Review)

Giveaway

Giveaway courtesy of Carolyn Crane
One signed copy of MIND GAMES or DOUBLE CROSS

 

MIND GAMES:

JUSTINE KNOWS SHE’S GOING TO DIE. ANY SECOND NOW.
Justine Jones has a secret. A hardcore hypochondriac, she’s convinced a blood vessel is about to burst in her brain. Then, out of the blue, a startlingly handsome man named Packard peers into Justine’s soul and invites her to join his private crime-fighting team. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime deal. With a little of Packard’s hands-on training, Justine can weaponize her neurosis, turning it outward on Midcity’s worst criminals, and finally get the freedom from fear she’s always craved. End of problem.
Or is it? In Midcity, a dashing police chief is fighting a unique breed of outlaw with more than human powers. And while Justine’s first missions, including one against a nymphomaniac husband-killer, are thrilling successes, there is more to Packard than meets the eye. Soon, while battling her attraction to two very different men, Justine is plunging deeper into a world of wizardry, eroticism, and cosmic secrets. With Packard’s help, Justine has freed herself from her madness—only to discover a reality more frightening than anyone’s worst fears.

DOUBLE CROSS:

SOME SECRETS COME BACK TO HAUNT. OTHERS COME TO KILL...

Justine Jones has lived her life as a fearful hypochondriac until she's lured into the web of a mysterious mastermind named Packard. He gifts her with extraordinary mental powers-dooming her to fight Midcity's shadowy war on paranormal crime in order to find the peace she so desperately craves.

But now, serial killers with unheard-of skills are terrorizing the most powerful beings in Midcity, including mastermind Packard - and his oldest friend and worst enemy, Midcity's new mayor, who has the ability to bend matter itself to his will.

As the body count grows, Justine faces a crisis of conscience as she tests the limits of her new powers and faces an impossible choice between two flawed but brilliant men . . . one on a journey of redemption, and the other descending into a pit of moral depravity.

 

Giveaway Guidelines

1. Open Internally (Only US winners will received signed books)
2. Fill out the form
3. Enter by November 6th. All Spooky Legend winners will be announced on November 7th

I would greatly appreciate if you shared this giveaway on your blog or favorite social networks.  And please tell Carolyn what you think about “The Body in the Bed” in the comments. Thanks!

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