Get ready to envy me BIG TIME. I was fortunate enough to get an early copy of a new urban fantasy debut, Hunted By The Others by Jess Haines (you won’t know until May 4th but you should be very, very jealous). I’ve been taking some friendly flack lately from some you for my perceived stinginess when it comes to my rating bats. All I can say is after reading Hunted By The Others, I’m not stingy anymore. My review won’t be posted for a little while yet, but I was dying to start talking about this book, so Jess was kind enough to whip up a “quick guide will show you the kind of troubles vampires go through to get people to sign contracts for them in the world of the Others.” A few things to keep in mind before I turn things over to Jess:
- Others: “the vampires, mages, and werewolves once thought to exist only in our imaginations. Now they’re stepping out of the shadows, and nothing in our world will ever be the same again…”
- White Hats: a clandestine anti-Other group
- Alec Royce: One of the most powerful vampires in New York; equal parts scary and seductive.
How to Get Chicks the Vampire Way
by Jess Haines
Today's vampire doesn't have it easy. What with White Hats lobbying against and hunting supernaturals down, and new laws requiring contracts be signed before getting intimate with a prospective blood donor, finding a "keeper" can be a difficult and stressful experience.
Stress no more! With this easy, step-by-step guide, you'll now be able to determine the difference between a donor and future vampire material, as well as exactly what to do to get that special girl to agree to put herself at your mercy. No more pesky questions as to the legality of your actions! Follow this simple guide, and you'll be nibbling at your chosen lady's neck in no time!
How to Get Chicks the Vampire Way (If You’re Anyone but Alec Royce)!
- Find a woman you’re willing to spend a significant amount of time with (meaning: the rest of her natural life). Examine her from afar. Is she hot? Are those boobs real? If so, you may have to take into consideration needing to turn her quick, before they go the way of the Roman Empire.
- Go up to her and make with the big bad vampire mojo. Act extremely dark, aloof, and mysterious. This should ensure she’s smitten with you immediately.
- Talk to her a little. Is she an airhead or somebody you might be able to hold a conversation with a month from now? Remember, before you can touch her, she has to be contracted, so make sure that you won’t have to spend either the rest of her life or all eternity listening to: “Ohmigawd, isn’t this dress, like, sooo hawt?” or “I believe wholeheartedly in the deep spiritual undertones to the protagonist’s plight in THE BELL JAR, and think I may have actually shared in her pain as I read it for the first time.” or, worse yet, “I feel just like Louis and/or the reporter in Interview With a Vampire right now.” (Note: If actually faced with that last, do not walk, run to the nearest exit.)
- Arrange a date in the future. Make sure it is suitably dark and romantic (Italian restaurants are good, as you can drink red wine the entire time – the symbolism helps later). Do not do anything more than kiss the back of the lady’s hand at the end of this date. Arrange a second date at a different, similar restaurant.
- Arrive to second date. As with the first date, make sure it is suitably dark and romantic (and keep drinking that red wine the entire time). Make small talk for a while, dropping big, ginormous hints as to your nature without ever outright stating it. For God’s sake, do not do anything more than kiss the back of the lady’s hand at the end of this date. Arrange a third date at a different, similar restaurant.
- Arrive to third date. Choose most shadowy, secluded table in the place. Make small talk for a while. Put big bad vampire mojo up on full. Whisper the truth of what you are. She will either laugh in your face and leave, get scared and leave, get scared and stay, or, if you’re lucky, be suitably impressed and want to know more.
- Proceed to woo her with your charisma and wit. If that fails, just keep using big bad vampire mojo.
- Arrange fourth and fifth date. They no longer have to be at restaurants, but they should be somewhere suitably Gothic and romantic (moonlit walks on the beach, moonlit walks in night-blooming gardens, moonlit walks through the park, etc). Remember, do not do anything more than kiss the back of this lady’s hand at the end of it. This ups the sexual tension like you wouldn’t believe.
- By the sixth date, she should be suitably enamored with you to consider signing a contract without laughing in your face and/or storming off in a huff when you ask. If she is sane, she will recoil and immediately say no. This is fine. Don’t press her. That’s future vampire material in the making. If she says no, continue on to step 10. Otherwise (and this is important!), if she says yes, even if apparently reluctant, this one is now, and always will be, a donor. Give her the contract, get it signed and notarized, file it with the court, and dig in – the remaining steps do not apply.
- Repeat step 8 until she brings up the subject of the contract. This might take a while, so be patient. Remember, sexual tension is key, so never, ever, ever do anything more than kiss the back of her hand or, perhaps at this point, her cheek. No matter how frustrated you are feeling this is always done at the end of a date – not in the beginning, or during, but at the end!
- After a (very long) while, she will bring up the subject, most likely in hushed tones and with a great deal of embarrassment and worry. Do not suddenly cheer or otherwise express any kind of excitement whatsoever, as this will drive her away and will probably kill all future chances of ever getting her to sign anything. Instead, answer all of her questions truthfully while remaining calm and reassuring, no matter how tempting it is to lie your undead ass off or do a Hail Mary. You can always do the latter after she’s gone and you’re alone. Note: If you lie about anything, she will undoubtedly find out later and make your unlife a living hell. At this point, she will not agree to sign the contract, but don’t worry! You’re making progress.
- A few weeks later, she’ll probably bring up the topic again, this time with more questions. The same procedure applies as in number 11. She still won’t agree to sign just yet, but you’re getting closer!
- About a month later, she’ll suddenly say, “okay, let’s just do it,” likely in the same tones one might say about going to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. The same procedure from number 11 still applies until after the contract is signed.
- Show her the contract. She will immediately back out and ask to think about it some more, taking the contract with her. This is normal. Let her do it.
- Repeat step 13.
- A few weeks later, she’ll (probably) sign the contract. Now you may cheer. However, it is best to wait at least 5-10 days before bringing up the subject of her letting you bite her. If you skip this step, chances are very high she’ll regret signing and leave you more frustrated than ever (trust me, this is possible).
- *See the 1,483 page Guide to Getting Your Donor to Let You Bite Her for the First Time Without Wigging Out at www.GuideToModernVampirism.com for what to do next.
*not real
How to Get Chicks the Vampire Way (If You’re Alec Royce)!
- Walk up to desired woman and introduce self. Oh, she already knows who you are.
- She’ll probably be begging to sign a contract for you at this point. Get to know her first. This is important, and sometimes life- and/or sanity-saving.
- If acceptable (i.e., not psycho or a White Hat in disguise… well, no, even if a White Hat in disguise), make with signing the contract.
- If she made it this far, you can probably go straight to the bedroom.
Thanks so much Jess!
Be sure to check out Jess’s website HERE and visit her blog HERE. For more info the book Hunted By The Others, check out Kensington’s website HERE.
Pre-Order Hunted By The Others Borders, Amazon or Amazon UK!
Book Description:
They are the Others—the vampires, mages, and werewolves once thought to exist only in our imaginations. Now they’re stepping out of the shadows, and nothing in our world will ever be the same again…
In A Town Like This, Being A P.I. Can Be Murder
Shiarra Waynest’s detective work was dangerous enough when her client base was strictly mortal. But ailing finances have forced her to accept a lucrative case that could save her firm—if it doesn’t kill her first. Shiarra has signed on to work for a high-level mage to recover an ancient artifact owned by one of New York’s most powerful vampires.
As soon as Shiarra meets sexy, mesmerizing vamp Alec Royce, she knows her assignment is even more complicated than she thought. With a clandestine anti-Other group trying to recruit her, and magi being eliminated, Shiarra needs back-up and enlists her ex-boyfriend—a werewolf whose non-furry form is disarmingly appealing—and a nerdy mage with surprising talents. But it may not be enough. In a city where the undead roam, magic rules, and even the Others aren’t always what they seem, Shiarra has just become the secret weapon in a battle between good and evil—whether she likes it or not…
Interested in guest blogging on All Things Urban Fantasy? CONTACT ME
