Top 10 List: Jess Haines' Best Bad Movies ever

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Top Ten Best Bad Movies Ever

By Jess Haines

Howdy!  My name is Jess Haines, and I’m the author of the urban fantasy novel HUNTED BY THE OTHERS, and its upcoming sequel TAKEN BY THE OTHERS (available TODAY January 4, 2011 from Kensington).

Abigail invited me over to share a top ten list of my choice.  It was obvious I had to share with you my terrible—err, terribly AWESOME taste in bad movies.  I love inflicting these films on unsuspecting victi—err, my amazing friends who have equally awesome taste in bad movies!  So, without further ado…
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10.  Tank Girl

This comic book movie adaption amuses me to no end.  On the one hand, you have the trainer lady from Free Willy (oh, yes, Lori Petty, I recognized you!) playing the most awesomely fun heroine I’ve ever encountered, on or off screen.  The movie was a box office flop, so don’t be surprised if you haven’t heard of it.  Personally, I found it hilarious and insouciant, and I loved every wacky moment of it—especially the song-and-dance routine where The Madam sings Let’s Do It—Let’s Fall In Love

9.  Spaceballs

A Mel Brooks movie that parodies SciFi classics like Star Wars, Star Trek, and Alien.  Stars include John Candy, Bill Pullman, and Rick Moranis.  Need I say more?

8.  Evil Dead / Evil Dead II / Army of Darkness

Let’s break this one down.

• Evil Dead: This is the “serious” horror flick of the trio.  Includes a scene that closely resembles tentacle rape by possessed trees.  Kinda freaky.  Not as highly recommended as the other two.  People die, come back as zombie-critters known as Deadites.  Scary as hell.  Love it!

• Evil Dead II:  This one is freaking brilliant. Basically, it’s a retelling of the first movie, only not quite so dark and disturbing (though there is still enough dark and disturbing to go around).

• Army of Darkness:  This is the most slapstick of the bunch.  Ash (Bruce Campbell) gets thrown back in time to the Dark Ages to continue fighting the Deadites.

All three movies star Bruce “The Chin” Campbell.  You can’t really call yourself a nerd until you’ve seen these movies often enough to memorize classic lines like, “Groovy.” “Give me some sugar, baby!” and “This is my boomstick!” Sally forth and geekify yourself!

7.  Tremors

This one is about gigantic worms that pop out of the ground and eat people, plus a young (HOT, did I mention HOT?!) Kevin Bacon.  I also adore the fact that Reba McIntyre, Michael Gross, and Fred Ward star in this flick.  My kind of movie!

6.  The Naked Gun

I miss Leslie Nielsen, the deceased star of this flick.  He was brilliant in this mishmash collection of slapstick action/adventure liberally mixed with groan-worthy puns.  The clueless cop goes in search of terrorists out to assassinate Queen Elizabeth II.  There are a number of interesting appearances in this movie, including O.J. Simpson, Weird Al Yankovich, and a few others.  Mostly I love it because Leslie Nielsen stars in it.  I would’ve mentioned Dracula: Dead and Loving It instead, but that one doesn’t quite qualify as craptacular.  Besides, this one’s a blast, too!

5.  Blade Trinity (AKA, Blade III)

Guys.  GUYS.  This movie is so bad.  It hurts to watch this movie.  The stilted dialogue, the plot holes big enough to drive a truck through, the complete and utter lack of physics in the fight scenes…!  If not for one fact, I would say it rates up there with Manos: Hands of Fate.  What saves it is shirtless Ryan Reynolds.  RAWR.  I watch this movie purely for Ryan Reynolds dialogue, particularly when he’s snarking along with Parker Posey.  In fact, I think I will go put it on again right now and fast forward to all the good parts…

4.  The New Guy

As the tagline says, A Zero Will Rise.  Dizzy Gillespie Harrison (DJ Qualls) is a geek in every sense of the word.  His school doesn’t appreciate geeks (witness the fake rubber breasts incident).  The last straw is when Mrs. Whitman breaks his penis in front of the whole school.  He gets himself expelled after some creative efforts, and heads over to a new school with a brand spankin’ new identity after spending some time in jail and learning how to be cool from one of the inmates, Luther (Eddie Griffin).  Hilarity ensues.
My only beef with this movie is the EverQuest reference made by his friend, (Jerod Mixon), at one point in the movie.  Dude, Kunark is a continent, not a single zone or level.  Just, ya know, FYI.  In case you needed any additional proof of my genuine nerdosity, there ya go.

3.  Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

BEST.  MOVIE.  EVER.
This movie is made of so much win, I can’t even tell you.  Scott is just this guy, you know?  But he meets this girl and he thinks he might love her.  He has to get rid of his current girlfriend and beat the new girl’s seven evil exes in order to date her, but that shouldn’t be a problem, right? 
Oh my god, people, he actually BATTLES THE EXES.  Like, full on super saiyan battle!  It’s a freaking video game made into a movie!  How cool is that?!  If you haven’t seen this and you consider yourself any shade of geek, you should definitely see this movie.

2.  Zombieland

This movie was hysterical!  It’s narrated by Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), who meets up with a few new friends as he struggles to survive in a post-apocalyptic America overrun by zombies.  Woody Harrelson was amazing, as was the rest of the cast.  Totally wasn’t expecting the Bill Murray cameo, either!  Aside from a stellar cast and hilarious dialogue, this movie is filled with excellent tips for those of us who find ourselves fleeing for our lives from hungry zombies!  Remember:

1. Cardio!
2. Double Tap
3. Beware of Bathrooms

There are plenty more useful tips—but you’ll have to see the movie to find out what they are…

...and the most terrible, most amazing, most craptacular movie on my list is…

1.  The Pest

John Leguizamo plays the most annoying scam artist ever to live.  He owes the Scottish mob—yes, you read that right, the Scottish mob—$50,000.  Lucky for him, he’s been offered a $50,000 scholarship by a racist German manhunter, Gustav Shank (Jeffrey Jones).  All he has to do is survive for 24 hours while Gustav does his very best to kill him so he can mount Pest’s head on the wall to complete his trophy collection of human prey.

This movie embodies all that is childish, annoying, and politically incorrect.  It’s quite possibly one of the most offensive films in my DVD collection.

And I love it.  SO MUCH.  Really, people, there must be something wrong with me for loving this movie even a smidgen, let alone as much as I do.  Not really recommended for anyone because I can’t see anyone else being able to sit through something this annoying and honestly enjoy it.

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So what do you think, guys?  Any of you disagree with my assessments of any of the above films?  What awesomely terrible movies should be added to my to-watch list?

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Jess Haines is a displaced New Yorker with a penchant for the silly, the obscure, and the fantastical. Los Angeles is home for the time being, since it consistently meets her daily quota of strange. She’s currently working on the H&W Investigations urban fantasy series. Find out more about Shiarra Waynest, drop her a line, or join her mailing list at www.jesshaines.com!

Visit Jess Online: Website|Blog|Facebook|Twitter Want to read more from Jess Haines? H & W Investigations 1. Hunted By the Others (read my Review) 2. Taken By The Others (read my Review) 3. Deceived By The Others (2011) Anthology Nocturnal (read my Review)

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